I had a revelation yesterday and that in itself gave me a ton of perspective and peace.
I went away to Idaho, and then to Northern California, around the turn of the tens. I knew that I needed a fresh start so Boise was the place to be for awhile. My kids were there and it felt like a nice city to kick start my life in. But a trip to New York, then to Cleveland, helped to tear apart the façade that I hid behind. I could no more be happy in the Treasure Valley than I could be on the moon. I had already left bread crumbs for the Detective to follow. He called me at work, told me to stop sending you letters. I got it and I did, only because he told me that you got sad when you read them.
Boise was pretty but I knew that the Estranged One was never going to give me access to the kids without a terrible court fight. I knew, too, that sitting on my ass in a bookmobile was just to going to continue to exacerbate a health condition. So, Empress of my Heart, I threw caution to the wind and took a managerial position on the coast. It was remote, tough and beautiful. I needed those things to heal my heart. To help me find a way to allow you to slip away gracefully and for me to let you go without further interfering in your life.
Well, all good things come to those who wait. I did start the healing process but at the same time I kept pining away for you. I was cobbling together a large Manila envelope with touristy things that I had hoped to send you when I received an email from a colleague, requesting a ride to a workshop that we were mandated to take out in Sacramento. Sure, I thought, how could I pass up an opportunity to help someone out? Why wouldn't I let her "car pull" with me?
One thing lead to another, Professora. I needed to get past you and so I took a detour down a road that, in the end, showed me what it showed me at the beginning: you can't replace one for another. Looking back I can see that I tried to duplicate all the things we liked to do: board games, letters, book clubs, travel and long walks, all to no avail. I know that I did those things in the spirit of wanting to get to know that gal, but in the end I know it was to rekindle those things I loved to do so much with you.
Fast forward seven years. I have been living in Southern Oregon for the past two years. I love the little town I live in. I came here to once again restart my life. I thought that by coming here I could help out the relationship I was in but it didn't help. No amount of cooking, grocery shopping or watching movies together was going to change the tone or tenor of that relationship. I thought, new job, new state, sweet little town, fresh start, would revive things but even the promise of a renewed life is sometimes not enough.
I woke up yesterday and thought about you a lot, thought about our book group and our birding, our walks and our endless emails. I realized that what I have been going through for the past sixteen years has been just one endless loop of thought, love and desire for you. I know, one has to let go of things and I have done my best to set us down and put us away. Being in that relationship gave us space and allowed me to gain perspective. I know that you have a good life, that you are grandmother now and that nothing was going to get in the way of the solemn oath you took to maintain your marriage. I am thankful for your solid ways and that you kept to your path.
But today, on this day long ago day where you wished for me to bring the horses, the tall ladders and fireworks outside your bedroom window, I will wish you well. The horses will always be in my heart and ready to go, saddles close by and fireworks ready to light.
A peaceful and pleasant New Year to you.
Much love,
Your WHMB
