Bird Song, Kitsap Audubon

I attended this month's Audubon meeting out at the Poulsbo branch library for no other reason than to see if you might land there yourself. I knew it was a longshot but did the drive anyway. Actually, going there was not so much my idea as it was the chapter Treasurer's. I ran into her and her husband at the Clear Creek Nursery Annual Sale a while back. I was there shilling hot dogs for the Hot Dog King and we struck up a conversation after I saw the kingfisher embroidered on her sweatshirt. She reminded me of the monthly meetings that took place there in Poulsbo and told me about April's upcoming program. I went home and marked it on my calendar.

I ended up staying and am glad that I did. The program was fascinating and the crowd congenial as always. I hedged my desire to vote myself in as chapter secretary for next year because as we both know that I have no idea where I'll be landing between now and September. I can only hope it's either here or Boise, as damn near anywhere else has it's problems regardless of it's virtues.

So, I continue to drive along and look for kingfishers and, in turn, look for you. I almost left a copy of the Kingfisher monthly newletter on your stoop that night. I made the drive, turned on your street, circled the cul-du-sac and then thought better of it. All I want from you right now, my old love, is inspiration. What I desire more than anything is that old spark, the one that transformed me into that "better man" I became back in the day when love was in full flower. I was reflecting on those times this morning. I was at my best at work, in tip top health, happier than I ever remembered being and miserably in love. I think of those days and I suppose I long for that line up of good things as much as I desire anything else, sometimes, sweetie, even you.

We'll see where all those desires take me. Like the kingfisher I have my seasons in the sun and am inclined to be a one bird man. Summer is almost here. Time for a sort of migration, from the land of the lost to the land of the living. We're both birds of a feather. Come on, let's take wing and fly!

Your WHMB

Kingfisher: lover bird!

http://www.lewiscreek.org/kingfisher.htm

Moveable feast

Happy Easter, love.

I avoided my spare room all day today, even though I could see it quite easily across the hall from my bed. It was grey and wet today, just like it was that one Saturday before Easter, the one that we shared four years ago. I looked outside and said to heck with it, decided to play indoors instead, and watched some movies, cooked, wrote, all that. But even though the day lacked the joy we shared that day, even though I left the outdoors behind to seek comfort and solice in cinema, I felt your presence here in this house all the same. I was as if the roof was torn off by strong winds, allowing the rain to come down and saturate my bed. I felt you all around me, like I would that cold, cold rain. It sat heavy on my shoulders, my linen, my heart. I didn't want to cozy up to it, frankly, I wanted it to go away. I didn't have hail to watch from my windows that day, I didn't have slushy, cherry petal trails to walk through in the late afternoon. Instead all I had was an empty Easter basket of dreams, the stale taste of dark chocolate in my mouth, an empty bed, a mirthless day to mumble through, a day hobbled by old dreams, sour desires, ancient love.

But that was Saturday. Sunday was wonderful, as wonderful as an Easter can be five hundred miles from the kids. The weather was okay, I had my buddy the Hot Dog King over to sup, we ate a pile of crab legs, baked a ham, sipped libations, watched a thriller, laughed a lot, trolled some online dating services..in other words, lived the day in a big way. On that day I knew that in my heart I had risen above the storm and had moved to a new spot on the game board and baby, that is a good thing. Doesn't mean I don't love you any less, it just means that I moving along.

You were missed, no doubt. We never seemed to have enough of that good stuff, but here's to a couple of people who were in love and who took a big bite out the chocolate rabbit of life. I know that I have savored that bite for a long, long time. Yummm.

Yours in rolling rocks and Easter bunnies, WHMB

The sacking of our spiritual blind side

I don't think we ever really got down to brass tacks as far as happiness was concerned. We talked about it, tried to define it, played it up and pushed it aside as far as a value in a strong relationship was concerned. We used it as a benchmark to define our times but found it to be too vague or etherial to really use a guidepost for making hardcore future decisions between us. After you left I assumed that happiness for you meant a house in The Woods, a big income, a solid religious community. I am not sure what constitutes happiness for me anymore as I am in a period of reconstruction and all values are being renegotiated. When I get down to defining what constitutes living happily I will let you know.

There are a number of studies out there that seem to have a better idea of what happiness is all about than I ever knew existed. I am happy to report that the tabulated and documented underlying ideals of happiness...good friends, solid relationships, sex, shared meals, trusted neighbors..are all things I treasure. Even without those reports out there to back me up I suppose I would have placed those things in a spiral notebook as part of my top ten happiness markers. I think, too, I would put down "fulfilling job", "nice place to live", "good health" as other markers. I don't think I would put down "a lot of cash". I don't think that being wealthy is as important as being comfortable, but then again I am living through a period of very little cash flow and a place a large amount of value on personal and emotional comfort.

So that was nine. I think about happiness and know that I was truly happy at one time. I was happy with my kids all around me, when I had the respect of my coworkers and underlings, when I was knocking about the town as a bon vivant with cash in my pocket, butg most importantly when I had you in my eye and you had me in yours. I suppose that that kind of happiness can compete with yours, with that solid unpinning that God has given you in your life. I know that I harp on that, that I sometimes play that card a bit too often, but it saved you and possibly saved a large dose of happiness in your family's life. Your girls are happier for your decision, and I imagine your parent's lives were made happier, too.

It's a funny thing, happiness. It's fleeting and temporary as you said, maybe not a real basis for a solid, functioning marriage, but I think of all the factors in life..fame, fortune, big this, expensive that...and know that I would rather be poor with a pot of beans on the stovetop, a camping trip at the beach for a vacation and have a drive-in movie date with a loving partner on my arm and my family at my side than anything else. We may have missed some sort of turnoff to a long life together, but I am still pretty certain that happiness, as I know it and want it, is still waiting out there for me.

Money isn't as important as respect, integrity and love. I know that I am happy in many ways and just need to remind myself every once in a while that I am living well. I wish you well, too, my old paramour. That and a boat load of happiness.

Your WHMB

NY Times opinion piece on happiness:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/30/opinion/30brooks.html?src=me&ref=homepage