Blue geode, Denver souvenir, spring '06

I must admit that it was a mighty pretty rock, that sparkling blue stone you picked up for me in Denver. I've had it now, what, almost three years now? But I have to tell you, M, that it's gotten to be just a bit too heavy for me to carry around anymore. I think I need to set it down for awhile.

I built a fireplace mantle during the fall and winter of your internal upheaval and placed it there for all to see. "Wait! Back up!" you say, "Internal upheaval?" I don't know what else to call it, other than it was something raging beneath the surface of your skin back in April of '06, like a strange tropical virus or infestation of mites. Something that caused all sorts of issues with your spleen and stomach and pulse rate. You tried to solve it with deep thought, and attempted to look at from afar. I think you may have given it the Rubix Cube treatment for awhile, and you even talked with a girlfriend or two about it all, but I think, in the end, that all that musing and wondering and depth plumbing held no mud. It yielded nothing, I suppose, but more of the same for you, and in the end, a rock for me.

I have to wonder, when you boarded that plane in Denver, the one that was going to take you back home to your uncertain and fractuous life, what it was that you were thinking about the most..that rock and small items that you successfully snagged along the way to give to me and how you were going to explain them if they were found in your luggage, or what you were going to tell The Detective when he saw you wearing that new diamond ring you picked up for yourself during your week long visit to Colorado Springs.

When you told me that story, how you went into that antique store and put your foot down, saw that baubble and figured that you could buy it because, well, after all, you earned that money, I had to laugh. You told me that tale after you had passed along to me that handful of items you picked up for me in Denver...a pack of Colorado playing cards, a few brouchures from a traveling science exhibit you attended, and that half a geode. I wasn't laughing because of your gesture..really, considering all, that's about all it was... but more, it was due that Peanuts line I had going round in my head from that old Charlie Brown cartoon. It was from that Great Pumpkin special, where Charlie Brown goes around trick or treating and he looks in his bag and finds out, that instead of candy, all he got was a rock.

You got the diamonds, buddy, and I got the rock. How fitting.

But it was a pretty day that day, that day you passed along that geode to me. The clematis was still in bloom. It was sunny out, a pleasant afternoon to be sitting on that rickity old park bench in my backyard. I had refreshments out for us, too, still doing my best to please you. You had finished up a Sunday shift at the branch and were heading home. We had a long week apart, a week full of real time emails, with you in Colorado, me at the WLA convention in Tacoma. That part was exciting, but when you attempted to tell your mother about what was going on in your heart, you were immediately shut down and once again had to become the dutiful daughter. What a week for you. But I'm glad, too, for what it wrought. A final, wild one week blast of run ins for us and the finest of all Calcopo bookclub meets. But that was all coming up. For the moment we had sunshine, and about fifteen minutes to share.

And what you shared with me was that geode. And something more I suppose. A bit of heaviness, a touch of sadness. All the weight that a rock could afford.

That rock was still up on my mantle as of the first of this month. I took it down and put it away when the Christmas decorations came out. But I think, when the season is all wrapped up and Christmas decor is all stored away once again for the year that that rock you gave me will find it's way into the canvas satchel, just like all those other things you gave me, things that have reminded me, day in and day out, of you. Yeah, it's time to put it and those memories away.

It was nice for awhile, certainly, to have those things out. Reminders of better times. Items with substance, touchstones of mirth. All of them solid, just like that rock. But like that rock they have anchored me in the past. I have noticed things disappearing into that bag lately, sort of like a reverse magic trick, and for that I am happy. It was about time. Long overdue. More than necessary.

I just finished up a novel this morning, something that you and I might have gotten around to reading if we still had Calcopo up and running. Shadow of the Wind. Mighty good read. But what central to that story were two significant threads: the need to let go, and the need to honor and respect the past. The big trick for the characters in the novel was how to do that, how to let go of the past before the past poisoned their souls. Redemption, love, terror, tragedy, heartache, all of it were there in that book. But it was that letting go thread that really sunk it's teeth into me. Something I've needed to read and see and live and learn for a long time now.

So I am. Letting go. Starting with that rock.

Into the bag with you.

Oh, yes..you can keep that rock of yours, too. But somehow I get this feeling that it's not really so much a ring upon your finger as much as it is a millstone hanging around your neck.

Your WHMB

Post script: and for what it's worth, that rock, that polished half a geode, is now back up on my mantle. Silly man. Brave heart. Fondly, your WHMB