Chas. Reynolds rest stops, outside La Grande, 2009

I saw the sign coming up as I made my way to Boise last week: "Chas. Reynolds Rest Stop". It came and went with a blur. I had already blown my free time in Pasco looking up Rosie, stopping at a couple Goodwill stores and at Viera's, buying damn near twenty bucks worth of pan dulce for the crew. I had stopped, too, in Pendleton for gas and Taco Bell, had pulled into La Grande to check out the Grocery Outlet wine selection and secured some goods for the weekend there as well. So, pulling over to take in a look of the view out toward the Blues was just not going to work this trip. My phone was low, I had some long miles still ahead of me and, frankly, I wasn't up that kind of trip down memory lane at the moment. Your memory was riding shotgun with me on this trip no matter what and that was enough for me.

The Boise trip went well. Completely different than anything that had come up before. Seems to me that I am on my way to a new place, to a new home lurking over the horizon, no matter whether or not it's what I want or need. But if this last trip was true, if it was something that goes beyond heart's desire and moves more towards someplace that's good for me and the kids, well then, I am finally on the right path after all.

I slept in the tv room while there in Boise, always waking to the needs of my children. I helped them get ready for school, took them on errands, watched movies with Punkin first thing two mornings in a row. Shared coffee with the Estranged One, too, ran her around with her to do errands and cruise the second hands in search of costume pieces for the kids and for paintings for her walls. Had a luncheon "date" with her as well, took on Five Guys burgers and consignment selling, all that, all in the name of friendship. That in itself was the biggest bit of insight of all, knowing that my long journey through the dark of night with her was coming to an end. I feel that the most meaningful part of this last trip was reestablishing the order of existence in our lives that will allow for all of us to live in peace once again.

I woke in that tv room and still said to you "good morning" but also realized that those prayers you have been saying for me nightly have finally found a place to roost. As I slowly came around each morning I realized all those good wishes you've been sending my way have finally found purchase in the soil of that far away place. I woke to the rustling of my children and the house mujuer stirring and the soft purring of the furnance and knew that I was a long ways from home but also comfortable with the possibility of a new arrangement. That new arrangement meant that I was being given a second chance. Not at happiness with the Estranged One but for a bit of peace with demands of my ragged heart.

But know one thing for sure and that is you were never far from my thoughts. While I was out and about I found a copy of the book Pasta, the same title I had found when we were last out and about in September of '06. That day we were in the stacks of the Bremerton Value Village. We were squatting down in the aisle of the cooking and gardening section. You were deep into a book on flowers when I leaned over and kissed your neck. We took that moment and our sighs and books and plonked ourselves down on a green loveseat in the furniture section. The world walked by us in wonder as we talked and laughed together in that cozy, ragged little couch. I remember watching people as they passed, watching as they wished for a bit of the happiness we were sharing that day. It was short lived, that happiness, the last glimmer joy at the end of a long struggle, at the end of our long goodbye.

I suppose that's what made finding that book so poignent that day. It's all been one long goodbye, but in some strange way, a long hello, too. I found a copy of Norah Jone's album that afternoon, too, and found a copy of the film Green Dolphin Street that I watched later on that evening with the house mujuer. It was an overlapping tale of lovers who found themselves in marriages and situations that they didn't necessarily want to be in but learned to make the best of all the same. Making the best of a situation has not been my strong suit, but I found that by letting go of the notion of PO being the only place to be that I could move forward, that I was finally granting myself a small gift of happiness. I know that to even think of planning a trip back to Boise for Thanksgiving was being given some sort of strange and meaningful cosmic gift that even a few months ago, in my wildest dreams, was never going to take place ever again.And to think I left the door open to that gift!

See, be kind, be good, be filled with integrity and see what happens.

Don't be looking for happiness and for a resting place for your heart and see where you land.

Don't be looking for love, let love happen by loving and allowing yourself to be loved.

I took a trip and took in the lay of the land of Boise and the town up the road from it and found a place that I want to call home. I breezed through Caldwell and saw old trees and plenty of birds and lots of old house and know that it is connected to those people, those little people, that have a major stake in the workings of my heart. I took a trip and breezed by the Chas. Reynolds rest stops because we didn't need to stop there in order to know where our rest can finally be found. I pulled over in La Grande, bought wine and gas and coffee and took my act back on the road knowing that I will alwayts carry you in my heart no matter where I go . I can be anywhere, M, I can be anywhere and you are there with me.

I came home to warm house and a cold bed and a very welcoming cat and know that that's okay, too, for the moment. I woke to your photo this morning and to the knowledge that this, this old dream, this old house filled with our memories, will soon be another memory that I can tuck away and learn to live with in a sunnier clime.

I drove by Chas Reynold's stop and thought of you and smiled. You must have seen it, too, M. You must have, for you are with me everywhere I go. So let's go to Boise then, love, and live a meaningful life once again, a life filled with kids, laughter, a bit of peace and a lot of sunshine.

Your WHMB