Fly on the wall, 11/09

I never saw your face but the body language you displayed told me that you have achieved some sort of peace in your life. You two came and went into the world of spirits, not touching, not embracing each other but respectful of each other's space. You reached out and touched his arm briefly before you waved a friend. It was one of those moments where you might have said "oh look, so and so is here" and then made nice with your fellow attendee. He held the door for you and in you two went, once again into your private/public world, once again effectively shutting me out.

I had to see for myself, after all this time. I had to witness whether or not you were happy. I am in a mode of transit right now. My life is in flux, I am pulling up tent stakes, I am looking for work oh so far away and I have to know, before I go, that you are good with your life. Whatever that means. In whatever capacity.

Have you made peace with your infraction? Moved beyond your infidelity? Paid a price and are once again trusted? Do you still have him doing all that you wanted him to do? Is he still cutting your broccolli and making your bed and doing your bidding? Are you still being watched and scrutinized like before? On that last note I think that he has given you some slack as I saw your photo posted in a social networking site. I am sure that it is shared, but then again, to see that photo you posted says to me that he is still the possessive man that he always was. It was a sort of loving neck lock, a pose that told the world that "hey, this is my woman". I looked at that snapshot and then went upstairs to look at the one that we took at Kopachuck. Sure, you were never mine in the capacity that that man has been to you, but as you said, that photo of ours said "here are two content people". In your network shot you were looking away from the camera. It was, as always, a shot that said that you are content tending your crops while it said to the world he is still master over his domain. His possessions. You.

But I think that yesterday somehow did what it was supposed to do. It released the madness that has been gripping me since summer. I have had all too much time on my hands and yet that time has been running short. I have been needing to see you and so I took that challenge to a degree that said that to me that I needed to stop. I was too close to alienating you, to getting into a fracus with him. I just wanted to see your face, something I haven't done in over a year. Nothing wrong with that, it was just the way I was going about doing it that was wrong.

So, now, in order to help me move forward, in order to have me more fully embrace the time coming up with the family on Thanksgiving, I am putting away our photos. Once again. That's the first step. Next will be to finally finish up with that crate project. Line it, paint it, seal it. I have a strong motive, and that's to attain some sort of inner peace with both your life and mine. I have this chance to keep up appearances with The Estranged One, and then, maybe take it, once again, one step further. We were acting as good friends the last time I saw her. We behaved like human beings, played nice, avoided all the social and familiarity land mines that could have blown up a perfectly wonderful weekend, and love, I want to be able to do that again.

I suppose that's what your life has been all about these last few years. Weeding out the landmines, making nice, getting along, being brave. Jane, more than anything I think about that last thing, that being brave part. I remember that one sunny September morning we shared at Bataan Park in '06. I remember you standing on the picnic bench, facing me and jumping into my arms. It was at the outset of that last fabulous set of weeks we shared, but it was that moment, when you looked into my eyes and said to me "be brave like me", that truly got to me, registered, hit home but only made sense these last few weeks. Honestly, I didn't have it in me at the time back then, haven't had it in me for years. Not that loving you have been an act of cowardice. I have battle ribbons and scars to show how much loving you has cost. But to everyone's sorrow I couldn't leave what we shared behind and faced what I should have faced years ago, and that is the resumption of a married life with someone I couldn't trust.

Seems like both you and the Detective already worked that out. That trust thing. I saw it, even if what I saw was some sort of embodiment of a long truce, some sort of a long walk towards respect and dignity and integrity. Maybe what I saw is what I wanted with you, but now, after seeing what I needed to see, maybe I can make happen with the Estranged One, even if she stays in Boise and I end up living in Pocatello or Delta.

We'll see. But never again will we see it through the eyes of a fly. Only through the eyes of a very well worn, wizened and battle scarred man.

Love, Your WHMB