A Saturday

We rarely had weekend days to play with. Our times were mostly composed of the stolen week day variety, the evenings before the fire, the occasional shopping outing, the rare get away that never allowed us to ever share a room. I know that when I look back on our times I see two folks who could barely stand the tension, of being side by side, who were always there within touching distance, who craved the notion of, the desire to, touch and frolic, but who also knew that they had to get way the hell out of town in order to really be comfortable in our skins. How far was far? Over the mountains and far away kind of far.

So, today, while I sit here on my living room arrangement of couch and bed, jazz playing lightly in the background, grains and fruit soaking for a later breakfast repast, volunteer duties and housework to plan and carry out, I think of you. My dear, what would we do with this day if it were ours to play with? We are at a point in life where there would be no kids around to help choreograph our days. We would have a blank map before us. Would it be terra incognita? Would all the streets and street lamps be filled in? Would we be in a place where kids and grandkids would be part of the line up of things to do? What would we be making for meals? Would we have started out our day side by side in big enough bed, with a million cookbooks open, planning our meals for the weekend like two culinary generals before the kitchen troops? Would we have already gotten our walk out the way or would we still be building that into our scheduled stops for the day?

I know that the flickers and other birdish kinds of travelers are here, commanding our attention. Would birding be part of our day? Would we want to shop for seed or new guides? Would we travel to some local birding zone, binoculars in hand? Would we even have that on our agenda or is just part of what we do? Bird? Delight in the observation of things soft, warm and wonderful? I know that you are quite the collector of pals. Would we have a get together in mind? Invite someone over or be heading to someone's home to break bread? I know, too, that religion played and probably continues to play a role in your life. Would that be part of ours as well? Would it have continued to make the difference that I think it might have made in order for you to have made your way in the world in the way that I think you needed to? Or would you have stepped away from it like you once said you wanted to?

Oh, my love, I wonder about the arc that life would have painted for us. I picture it being a very colorful kind of rainbow of life, filled with all things we needed to make this short and lovely life the best it could be. I picture movies and music, outings and trips, market runs and visits, all of it, side by side, hand in hand, never a worry, never an anxious peek over the shoulder ever again. I know that I am a very naïve kind of person, especially in light of all the other changes I have made in my life out of sight of you. But I know had we gone down that path we dreamed of back in the day that we would have turned out okay and so would have the children, friends and family in our care. As I sit here and let jazz and cool sunlight and soft duties beckon, I know, deep in my heart, that things would have been more than perfect, they would have been sublime.

Love, your WHMB