Girl + Friend

Looking back on those years, especially when I look at them from this perspective, from the years that it took me to get from there to here, I see a person who, when all is said and done, was truly cringeworthy. Who was that guy? What the hell was wrong with him? Why did he set himself on fire, time after time, even when the fire department demanded that he stop screwing around like that?

When I think of the losses at the time, the ones unavoidable, the others self inflicted, all I feel is a kind of pity, the kind you save and dole out for the mad, the helpless, the hapless. I am glad that I had a strong taste for living, but I am sorry that I had such a heavy streak of poor and self destructive behavior in me, the kind that alienated you and totally perplexed the rest of the world, the employers, family and friends who watched me drive my ship directly onto the rocks. No matter who or what was there to tell me otherwise, I purposely drove those fragile and heartbroken timbers into the abyss again and again. It was exhausting to witness and super sad to live out, to endure.

I have no idea what it was that we shared that made that kind of mindset possible. As the Detective once said to me on the phone, "please stop writing to her. When you do all it does is make her sad". For years I never really got that, that my words, that my actions, that my endless pillorying just brought you pain, not enlightenment, not joy learning about my times and the places where I landed. I always thought that making those efforts to stay close would help to keep us together, instead, all it did was to drive us further apart.

The losses that I suffered through back in those days have finally settled out, to heal, to make sense. I ended up making my mark in the profession, became the director that we both knew I could be. I learned to make peace with the ex-wife, the one that you wished for me to return to. I finally understood what you meant when you said to be "brave like me". Since those days I put my heart out there, did my best to change how I looked at love, did my best to rescue folks in need and, in the end, went forward, moved on, in order to be brave enough to save myself from a toxic and uncommitted love affair.

I have spent the past two years in a sort of forced isolation. Covid and all it's social restrictions have helped. I have stepped away from dating and relationships, after a few attempts to see if I was up to it. I know that what I've needed for a long time has been a great deal of time devoted to self reflection, rest and a kind of recuperation that only comes when you can embrace your past, come to terms with it, forgive others, forgive and love yourself. I have no idea when I finally got that I need it but I did.

When I think of our times these days I feel blessed for what they were and what they represented to me. When I think of you I will always think of you as my friend, as this person who came into my life when life seemed to be drained out of me. You and your gifts of love, laughter and joy helped to restore me. I think of the simple things we shared, board games, birding, cooking, and know now that they existed in the land of stolen moments but I was beyond thankful for them. They continue to restore me to this day.

Looking back, I have to wonder if, knowing what I know now, would I have continued down the same path after we diverged. Should I ended that long love siege earlier on when I could have salvaged my life? Did I do right by my kids by having that strange set of standards that enforced that tragic kind of love between me and the ex wife? What did it all mean, to stubbornly hold onto you but to lose damn near everything else that mattered to me, to the family, to those that thought well of me, that cared?

Time was been a tough master, a hard nosed teacher. I am here, on my own, here in this little town of Talent, slowly coming to terms with life as I know it. Semi-retired, living a sort of on the edge of life kind of life, not too much different, I would say, than the life you saw me living ages ago. But now, instead of anguishing over my kids and worrying about the effects that support payments would have on me, I find myself at peace, or more, the kind of peace that the weary find themselves giving themselves over to. The kids are grown or mostly there and are living their lives in Boise while life continues to spin it's sweet secrets all around me. Yes, life is a mystery right now. I am figuring out where I am in the midst of it, doing my best to figure out what I am and what I want to do with these things I keep finding out about myself.

But you, you are a distant and dear friend, never mind that we haven't spoken to each other since 2010. You are the woman pal that I always wanted and needed, my dear Professora, Empress of my Heart. You still are the best of me and of my times, spiritually and in reserve, as you are and have chosen to be. No matter. I love you all the same, girlfriend. Be strong. Be you.

Love,

Your WHMB