You have to boil a life down to get to the essence of things, to find out who you really are, what you really want, but even more so, what you really need.
I woke up at six and heard the cat meowing downstairs. He was ready for his morning patrol, so I padded down and let him out. I realized lights were burning and the furnance was still roaring at a comfy 65. I thought I had the "shutting the house down" drill down to a science but last night I ate a full and heavy supper and drank a bottle of wine and that did it. Took me deep into slumberland. I slept hard until the cat or the last of the first segment of dreams roused me. It didn't take much to go back into that state and I slept again until nine. Somedays you just need it, that extra long morning in bed, although both you and my tailor might think a good walk would have been in order, instead.
So I wonder about those dreams we have for our lives, about the essence of our beings, and how they sometimes cross up and bear strange fruit. We all have these ideal states of being, these dreams of who we really wish to be, who we want to be in our daily lives. You once told me in a letter that you wanted to be a woman of intregrity and then, a few days later, you asked to go to Value Village with me after work to look for toy soldiers. You would tell me when I presented you with gifts "now where am I going to say I got that?" and then proudly hide figurines behind the face of mantle clocks and place books on living room shelves. All the time we were together you fought with yourself about your wants, needs and desires. I have to wonder where, in the end, you really landed and how those wants, needs and desires are being served.
As for myself I don't think I truly lived before. I think of all the shaking out and paring down and gearing up for who knows what over the last five or six months and know that I couldn't have asked for a more precious gift. Everything is new, or, if not new, being examined in a way that I would have never done before. I have finally made peace, of whatever sort, I do not know, with the Estranged One. I have come back around to looking at library work as viable employment option (although the State of Idaho scheduled me for an interview for Vehicle Inspector Trainee later in the month, how cool..) I have found myself once again in volunteering, grooving on the vibes of the foodbank and testing myself with the technical side of the movie house (finding out, after all, that that job, as much as I love film, is not for me..). I have made this little house my home once again, and while the holidays reign made it happy and full of fun once more. And all those things that are daunting...being unemployed, watching my funds trickle down, knowing that my kids are still far away, not having a woman in my life right now, all those great unknowables, have been for the good.
Some might wonder about that last comment, wondering if I've gone native, if I've lost all my senses. I know that you would, Jane, she of princessly comfort and security. But truly, love, it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. The last time I took a long break from work and took a beating I brought it down upon myself. The wolves were at the door when the library called me on my birthday and changed our fate. That time, those last six long beautiful months off, was a different form of happinesss. I quit my job, worked on the house, had the family around me, had credit cards to burn and a very large retirement to work off of. I was surrounded by things that mattered and I was full of myself and hope as well.
This time I am not full of myself at all as I have to wonder half the time who I really am. I have been walking this long path due to the needs and wants and desires of others and instead of taking six long months off to get me and the family back to California (funny how that never happened) I am now wondering where my adventures and my life will lead me, what I will end up doing for work when I land and who I could possibly find who will be willing to stand by me and understand me and my times, understand me and be brave enough to want to take me on for the next ten to twenty years.
See, I tore down all my dreams, wishes and desires to be where I'm standing right now. I wanted to and ended up being brave like you, but brave in a different way. I found my way back to the essential Minute Man, to the guy who, because he loved you and couldn't really ever reconcile that love to his other life, is now on the bottom looking up. I know in the end that I didn't sell out, that I maintained that kind of integrity that you were talking about years ago. I told our story many times now, to those that matter and indirectly to those who took it upon themselves to persecute me for it. In fact I have told the world our story through this blog and the now that I have I can lay those old dreams down, those dreams that we shared, and look for new ones to embrace and live for once again.
What's fascinating is that I dreamed about you last night. In the dream we were out walking and you said that we could see each other again. You can't imagine how thrilling it was for me to hear that. I can't remember if you said it was for a movie or coffee or what, but you made sure that I knew that our behaviour was to be above board, that we couldn't go back to where we had been. I wrestled with that but in the end surrendered my physical desires just so I could be with you once more. Suddenly life felt very peaceful. We walked on.
I think that's what I want more than anything else, my love. Just to walk with you, to be at peace, to move forward, to leave our old desires behind, to find that place in my life where we can just be friends once again. That is a large dream in the face of more pressing matters. The holidays are here and I need to go back to Idaho. This week I realized that house needs to go back on the market after the first of the year, that I need to continue to look for library work, but above all, I need to continue this hard work of finding myself again, maybe even for the first time.
I think of one of the last lines you wrote me. You told me that The Detective was cleaning house, making the bed, watching sports less if at all, and that pleased you. You wrote that that's what you wanted all along, that you got what you wanted. It was all about wants. Not needs, not desires. I think of that line and know that's where you stopped, not only stopped loving your dreams and your desires, but what they represented..growth, sacrifice. You got want you wanted and that was a man who would do the dishes. In turn, by surrending his key role, and that was being the man on top, he was able to keep his wants in line, too. He wanted you in your place and you gave that to him.
I must admit I have gone a lot further in my life because of your surrender to those very simple wants.
Onto bigger and better things., Onto better understanding my dreams, desires and needs, my dear. I'll let you know how it all turns out. Someday, if you should ever fall upon these words, maybe you can tell me truly how things turned out on your end.
Your WHMB
I woke up at six and heard the cat meowing downstairs. He was ready for his morning patrol, so I padded down and let him out. I realized lights were burning and the furnance was still roaring at a comfy 65. I thought I had the "shutting the house down" drill down to a science but last night I ate a full and heavy supper and drank a bottle of wine and that did it. Took me deep into slumberland. I slept hard until the cat or the last of the first segment of dreams roused me. It didn't take much to go back into that state and I slept again until nine. Somedays you just need it, that extra long morning in bed, although both you and my tailor might think a good walk would have been in order, instead.
So I wonder about those dreams we have for our lives, about the essence of our beings, and how they sometimes cross up and bear strange fruit. We all have these ideal states of being, these dreams of who we really wish to be, who we want to be in our daily lives. You once told me in a letter that you wanted to be a woman of intregrity and then, a few days later, you asked to go to Value Village with me after work to look for toy soldiers. You would tell me when I presented you with gifts "now where am I going to say I got that?" and then proudly hide figurines behind the face of mantle clocks and place books on living room shelves. All the time we were together you fought with yourself about your wants, needs and desires. I have to wonder where, in the end, you really landed and how those wants, needs and desires are being served.
As for myself I don't think I truly lived before. I think of all the shaking out and paring down and gearing up for who knows what over the last five or six months and know that I couldn't have asked for a more precious gift. Everything is new, or, if not new, being examined in a way that I would have never done before. I have finally made peace, of whatever sort, I do not know, with the Estranged One. I have come back around to looking at library work as viable employment option (although the State of Idaho scheduled me for an interview for Vehicle Inspector Trainee later in the month, how cool..) I have found myself once again in volunteering, grooving on the vibes of the foodbank and testing myself with the technical side of the movie house (finding out, after all, that that job, as much as I love film, is not for me..). I have made this little house my home once again, and while the holidays reign made it happy and full of fun once more. And all those things that are daunting...being unemployed, watching my funds trickle down, knowing that my kids are still far away, not having a woman in my life right now, all those great unknowables, have been for the good.
Some might wonder about that last comment, wondering if I've gone native, if I've lost all my senses. I know that you would, Jane, she of princessly comfort and security. But truly, love, it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. The last time I took a long break from work and took a beating I brought it down upon myself. The wolves were at the door when the library called me on my birthday and changed our fate. That time, those last six long beautiful months off, was a different form of happinesss. I quit my job, worked on the house, had the family around me, had credit cards to burn and a very large retirement to work off of. I was surrounded by things that mattered and I was full of myself and hope as well.
This time I am not full of myself at all as I have to wonder half the time who I really am. I have been walking this long path due to the needs and wants and desires of others and instead of taking six long months off to get me and the family back to California (funny how that never happened) I am now wondering where my adventures and my life will lead me, what I will end up doing for work when I land and who I could possibly find who will be willing to stand by me and understand me and my times, understand me and be brave enough to want to take me on for the next ten to twenty years.
See, I tore down all my dreams, wishes and desires to be where I'm standing right now. I wanted to and ended up being brave like you, but brave in a different way. I found my way back to the essential Minute Man, to the guy who, because he loved you and couldn't really ever reconcile that love to his other life, is now on the bottom looking up. I know in the end that I didn't sell out, that I maintained that kind of integrity that you were talking about years ago. I told our story many times now, to those that matter and indirectly to those who took it upon themselves to persecute me for it. In fact I have told the world our story through this blog and the now that I have I can lay those old dreams down, those dreams that we shared, and look for new ones to embrace and live for once again.
What's fascinating is that I dreamed about you last night. In the dream we were out walking and you said that we could see each other again. You can't imagine how thrilling it was for me to hear that. I can't remember if you said it was for a movie or coffee or what, but you made sure that I knew that our behaviour was to be above board, that we couldn't go back to where we had been. I wrestled with that but in the end surrendered my physical desires just so I could be with you once more. Suddenly life felt very peaceful. We walked on.
I think that's what I want more than anything else, my love. Just to walk with you, to be at peace, to move forward, to leave our old desires behind, to find that place in my life where we can just be friends once again. That is a large dream in the face of more pressing matters. The holidays are here and I need to go back to Idaho. This week I realized that house needs to go back on the market after the first of the year, that I need to continue to look for library work, but above all, I need to continue this hard work of finding myself again, maybe even for the first time.
I think of one of the last lines you wrote me. You told me that The Detective was cleaning house, making the bed, watching sports less if at all, and that pleased you. You wrote that that's what you wanted all along, that you got what you wanted. It was all about wants. Not needs, not desires. I think of that line and know that's where you stopped, not only stopped loving your dreams and your desires, but what they represented..growth, sacrifice. You got want you wanted and that was a man who would do the dishes. In turn, by surrending his key role, and that was being the man on top, he was able to keep his wants in line, too. He wanted you in your place and you gave that to him.
I must admit I have gone a lot further in my life because of your surrender to those very simple wants.
Onto bigger and better things., Onto better understanding my dreams, desires and needs, my dear. I'll let you know how it all turns out. Someday, if you should ever fall upon these words, maybe you can tell me truly how things turned out on your end.
Your WHMB
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