The days move forward with no sense of purpose, it seems. Today started with an interview, the rest of the day was filled with errands and job searching and applications. I found a position to think about in Fargo, another one in Santa Clara. I filled out a supplementary questionnaire for King County, sent off two applications online for Worksource positions with the State of Washington and spent the rest of the time firing off emails to friends. Not necessarily a profitable afternoon, but still. I have a pot of pinto beans on the stove, took care of a problematic connector piece for the movie set-up upstairs, been listening to Christmas music for hours and the wine's been flowing, I have crossed over that wine drinking threshold that say's "not okay" for tomorrow. Tomorrow will suffer a bit from my lack of will power. But, to my credit, I haven't had a drop all week. Love how that felt, not only in my writing but in how I responded in my interview questions this morning. Strong, serious, powerful.
So, there's a day in my life. That phone interview saved me a trip over the mountains. I was still wee yesterday from the flu and the black ice in Baker County left me cold as far as twelve hour drive was concerned. The sun was shining here today and as much as I wished to go out and have brunch in Bremerton I stayed home and made Tommy's burgers instead, for the very same reason I didn't make that trip: I am stone cold broke. The mortgage got paid, The Hot Dog King still owes me and we spent large this season. If it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't even think about going over the mountains for the holidays.
The holidays are here once again. Wow. I sat in my "new" easy chair and looked over at the loveseat that we shared many years ago. I thought of that Christmas moment we shared in the kitchen before you took off to Arizona and I to Boise years ago. I thought of many things, of the gifts left behind, of late night emails, of strained phone calls at the foot of the Blues, of that night in late December where we shared supper and then ..and then, well, for the moment I let it all go. Yeah, I think of that night often, not so much for it's moments of pure fantasy and delight but for what it meant as far as that sense of surrender we shared. We surrendered our innocence, but still mantained a high level of integrity. For forty year olds it was a bittersweet and somewhat archaic moment. What were we thinking that night by holding back? Weren't we breaking some sort of "code" by not making that moment truly tawdry and salacious? Or did we have some forward thinking radar working in place of our libidos?
I know that I have been a rogue, a truly bad man, most of my adult life. For some reason that moment, that holding back, allowed me to somehow touch on some sort of innocence that I thought I had lost years before. Never mind our situation at the moment, never mind the breach of trust, the wildness, the feelings matched, the dreams gained, the overall action stopped in it's tracks. We stopped at a point where other lovers wouldn't, couldn't, didn't. I am still very proud of that, regardless.
I think of moments where I could have, should have, looked up at you and asked you how I could please you and didn't. That in itself can be considered a gift, something you never had to face, never had to explain, one more thing you didn't have to beg forgiveness for. Pity, sure, sorrow, yes, but for your sake, all I can say is it's okay "only because I love you...."
Big gift, no wrapper. Merry Christmas, love.
Your WHMB
So, there's a day in my life. That phone interview saved me a trip over the mountains. I was still wee yesterday from the flu and the black ice in Baker County left me cold as far as twelve hour drive was concerned. The sun was shining here today and as much as I wished to go out and have brunch in Bremerton I stayed home and made Tommy's burgers instead, for the very same reason I didn't make that trip: I am stone cold broke. The mortgage got paid, The Hot Dog King still owes me and we spent large this season. If it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't even think about going over the mountains for the holidays.
The holidays are here once again. Wow. I sat in my "new" easy chair and looked over at the loveseat that we shared many years ago. I thought of that Christmas moment we shared in the kitchen before you took off to Arizona and I to Boise years ago. I thought of many things, of the gifts left behind, of late night emails, of strained phone calls at the foot of the Blues, of that night in late December where we shared supper and then ..and then, well, for the moment I let it all go. Yeah, I think of that night often, not so much for it's moments of pure fantasy and delight but for what it meant as far as that sense of surrender we shared. We surrendered our innocence, but still mantained a high level of integrity. For forty year olds it was a bittersweet and somewhat archaic moment. What were we thinking that night by holding back? Weren't we breaking some sort of "code" by not making that moment truly tawdry and salacious? Or did we have some forward thinking radar working in place of our libidos?
I know that I have been a rogue, a truly bad man, most of my adult life. For some reason that moment, that holding back, allowed me to somehow touch on some sort of innocence that I thought I had lost years before. Never mind our situation at the moment, never mind the breach of trust, the wildness, the feelings matched, the dreams gained, the overall action stopped in it's tracks. We stopped at a point where other lovers wouldn't, couldn't, didn't. I am still very proud of that, regardless.
I think of moments where I could have, should have, looked up at you and asked you how I could please you and didn't. That in itself can be considered a gift, something you never had to face, never had to explain, one more thing you didn't have to beg forgiveness for. Pity, sure, sorrow, yes, but for your sake, all I can say is it's okay "only because I love you...."
Big gift, no wrapper. Merry Christmas, love.
Your WHMB
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