Changing of the guard

I came across some things today, what..an old receipt, a playbill, a piece of musiic...and then I thought of those two folks in the photo above, Mr Fall and Miss Spring, one a polished showman, the other a brand new sparkling actress. I thought of how Bogie felt about Lauren and then I thought about how I felt about you the moment that I met you, about that old glow we shared and carried around with us like a sacred ember, about that knee shaking, tummy quaking business that's propelled me through the last few years, that's given me dirt under my feet, that's fueled my dreams.

Then I went ahead and worked over that last word, dreams, and knew that that was really what we've been all about since the fall of '06. I must admit that I've carried those dreams well. Held them close to the chest. Shared them when I could. Took them down a path of what could be considered fairly righteous, totally honorable, fairly silly behaviour.

But that word "dream" coupled with the fact that my refinance went through today suddenly made me very much aware that my dreams from an earlier life crashed very hard into the dreams of another. This house that I live in represented something beautiful and very important to a handful of people at one time. It wasn't just a house to sink money into, not just a place to build equity with, but something far grander than that. For me and my four kids and my Estranged One, it was our first home, a beater, a hell of a project, but it was also the place that I came home to every day, the house where I could safely and joyously hang up my hat. When I walk through that front door I can still hear "Papa's home". That, my love, is one part of a grand dream that was once my life.

Then there's the flip side to that dream, the feverish side, the wicked, wonderful side, the one that had you pushing me back and away from that very same front door as you entered, moving quickly and silently, one arm closing the door and the other pulling me in close for a kiss. That dream has faded, too, if only because the doorway back to that particular fever dream has closed oh so very tightly.

So now I am fully awake. I look around me and realize that somehow both of those dreams revolved around my humble home. I loved this house as much as I did my wife and you. Both of those relationships are over except for memories in one hand and my children's well being in the other. This house is mine now, part and parcel of my long term vision for happiness, positive self image and for what I consider to be "home".

It takes a lot to find that out. To find out where home is. Sometimes you have to travel many hard miles, pitch many leaky tents, live in all too many places that don't work, or, if they do, leave them behind in order to find out what it is about them that you truly miss. I found out by leaving Port Orchard every now and again that I truly missed the place when I was gone. It was in the traveling, in the going away, in the leaving, that I found home. I found out, too, that my children still identify with this house and know that it is their home, too. No matter how far away they go they always have this place to come back to. So. My home. It's here in Port Orchard and so am I.

So that takes me to the next point in the dream sequence, to the next dot on the map, the next place to get out the compass and draw the line to. Not a line in the sand. We've had those, my dear. No, this is a place on the map, in my heart, that that life line is heading towards. I know that you and I represented one place on the map. My Estranged One also represents a point and place and a whole universe in the atlas of my life. And then there's my kids. My children have changed the landscape of my life in ways that I forever and always be thankful. I can talk to others reasonably and with hard won knowledge about children. I can better relate to folks who are parents, know how hard it can be to be one. I feel comfortable talking about and to their kids.

Face it, I am happy to be a Papa, and that in itself is another line backwards and forwards towards my heart. I can "Papa" with the best of them and because I do it so well I know that I miss it. Miss it alot. So know that's on the map, too, one part of the destination that I need to be heading towards. To a place where I can do that Papa thing again. Share and participate in that unconditional love thing again.

That photo at the top of the page represents to me new beginnings. When Bogart was married to Mayo, they were known as the Battling Bogarts. He had a hard time of it with her and couldn't get out. But he met and fell in love with Lauren Bacall on the set of To Have and Have Not, and, thanks to her, changed his world. He remade his life after that and in the end that love they shared was legendary. Was worth everything it took to make it work. Totally timeless. Truly worth the price of admission.

So I thought of that couple in the photo, of spring and fall, of rebirth and respect, all that. Maybe I've been here before, maybe I've already lived this part, but then again, maybe thanks to you and this house and time and my children and hard decisions and difficult lessons it's all new and fresh again. I want to find out if that's the case. So like the old blues song goes, baby, I'm going to set you down for awhile just to see if my life, without you in it, is a little less heavy. You sang that song to me a long time ago, three years ago this month as a matter of fact. I see it's time for me to listen, to close my eyes and listen hard. I think I hear a voice calling out, and it's filled with hello's. Maybe it's just springtime, or meadowlarks, or a movie playing in the background. No matter, the door is open and the sun is shining and I think it's time for a good long walk on a track with no lines scratched out in the sand. Yep, been long time coming.

Love, your WHMB