I've been a serial monogamist for most of my adult life. Not so much in my early navy days, if only because the logic back in those days held that my Uncle Sam didn't issue me a gal with my seabag so being stag was were it was at. Otherwise, since the beginning of my dating days, I've always had a girl or a lady or wife in my life. But, generally speaking, one at a time. As that old saw goes you can love more than one woman but you can only love one woman at a time.
I had to wonder why that was. I've always had friends, lots of them for awhile. Most of my pals, especially back in my twenties, ran wild and I tended to run with them while I was unattached. But on the most part I enjoyed having a gal on my arm. Something about the difference in behaviour, in conversation, in desires. I think in all that courting I shortchanged my maleness for awhile, mislaid my need to be truly hairychested and pick up skills that could only be learned by hanging with the homeboys. Things like mechanics or homebuilding or watersports. I was too caught up being a peacock, in being the romantic and cared less about being a warrior.
Somewhere along the line I forgot about the sexiness of scars and tattoos and earning a big fat paycheck. Instead I became sensitive and took the cultured route. Instead of lowbrow I took on highbrow, learned to love things like opera and foreign film and really hoppy tasting beer. Instead of ball games and surfing and knocking about I went on hikes, learned to cook and took in museums. I went on a different path and ended up living solo in a house filled with treasures.
I wrote to some friends today and set up plans to get together this weekend. I've been bringing folks back into my life, rebuilding male friendships after a long haitus. Maintaining friendships wasn't so important to The Estranged One. Her people were important to both of us, sure. But while it seemed at the beginning of our life together that mutual friends were important, what happened in the end was that her people mattered most and all our other acquaintances dropped off. It's not really fair to say all this but that's how it was. Yeah, that's life as I lived it. I stood by and watched all those friendships fall away. What's great is that I no longer have that standing in front of me. I'm starting all over again from scratch. It taken awhile but once again I'm generating warmth in my house by filling it up with laughter, I'm finding ways to make my life more fulfilling by loading up my house and my heart and my life with friends instead of stuff.
See, it's that working together thing that I love the most. I suppose I could say that I've missed it, too. M, I must say that you and I were incredible pals there for a while, total buddies. We were the envy of them all because we took on the world, we ate up things like book club and cooking assignments and work projects and got into them as thick as thieves. We were the first to pull together bowls for the United Way, we were there and into it while shifting shelves or checking in books at the library, or signing up for things like the Foundation Gala. We grabbed recipes and dived in, we took on books and tore them apart, we found tubers and planted them here and there. In other words we were everthing that our partners weren't to us at the time. We were friends.
I have been rediscovering the value of that friendship thing again and have realized that it's a lot of work. Not so much in keeping your house clean and your pantry stocked, but more making time and being real. In order to make and maintain friendships you have to be there, be willing to move furniture and take drives and drink copious amounts of coffee or beer. You have to be willing to strap on a smile and listen to old stories or new ones that are distasteful or somewhat ludicrious. You have to be willing to stretch, to laugh, to sweat. It's a good path to be on, being a friend, and I know that when I am and I'm doing it well that I feel like I am most connected to the world and to myself.
That, M, is what I've missed about you. That connectedness. But it didn't have to stop with you and that, my dear, has been your greatest gift to me. Showing me the way back to the tribe of friendship.
I went a different route for awhile, but I think in gathering those other women around me I was going for something different. Instead of being authentic I tried to duplicate what we shared between us and didn't let those friendships, if that's what they could be labeled, stand on their own four feet. They couldn't stand the realities of my life, so they imploded, instead. A sure sign if there ever was one that they couldn't stand up to the friendship test. Friends hang tough, never falter. See you through to the end, regardless of your faults and stupidities and failures.
I had to wonder why that was. I've always had friends, lots of them for awhile. Most of my pals, especially back in my twenties, ran wild and I tended to run with them while I was unattached. But on the most part I enjoyed having a gal on my arm. Something about the difference in behaviour, in conversation, in desires. I think in all that courting I shortchanged my maleness for awhile, mislaid my need to be truly hairychested and pick up skills that could only be learned by hanging with the homeboys. Things like mechanics or homebuilding or watersports. I was too caught up being a peacock, in being the romantic and cared less about being a warrior.
Somewhere along the line I forgot about the sexiness of scars and tattoos and earning a big fat paycheck. Instead I became sensitive and took the cultured route. Instead of lowbrow I took on highbrow, learned to love things like opera and foreign film and really hoppy tasting beer. Instead of ball games and surfing and knocking about I went on hikes, learned to cook and took in museums. I went on a different path and ended up living solo in a house filled with treasures.
I wrote to some friends today and set up plans to get together this weekend. I've been bringing folks back into my life, rebuilding male friendships after a long haitus. Maintaining friendships wasn't so important to The Estranged One. Her people were important to both of us, sure. But while it seemed at the beginning of our life together that mutual friends were important, what happened in the end was that her people mattered most and all our other acquaintances dropped off. It's not really fair to say all this but that's how it was. Yeah, that's life as I lived it. I stood by and watched all those friendships fall away. What's great is that I no longer have that standing in front of me. I'm starting all over again from scratch. It taken awhile but once again I'm generating warmth in my house by filling it up with laughter, I'm finding ways to make my life more fulfilling by loading up my house and my heart and my life with friends instead of stuff.
See, it's that working together thing that I love the most. I suppose I could say that I've missed it, too. M, I must say that you and I were incredible pals there for a while, total buddies. We were the envy of them all because we took on the world, we ate up things like book club and cooking assignments and work projects and got into them as thick as thieves. We were the first to pull together bowls for the United Way, we were there and into it while shifting shelves or checking in books at the library, or signing up for things like the Foundation Gala. We grabbed recipes and dived in, we took on books and tore them apart, we found tubers and planted them here and there. In other words we were everthing that our partners weren't to us at the time. We were friends.
I have been rediscovering the value of that friendship thing again and have realized that it's a lot of work. Not so much in keeping your house clean and your pantry stocked, but more making time and being real. In order to make and maintain friendships you have to be there, be willing to move furniture and take drives and drink copious amounts of coffee or beer. You have to be willing to strap on a smile and listen to old stories or new ones that are distasteful or somewhat ludicrious. You have to be willing to stretch, to laugh, to sweat. It's a good path to be on, being a friend, and I know that when I am and I'm doing it well that I feel like I am most connected to the world and to myself.
That, M, is what I've missed about you. That connectedness. But it didn't have to stop with you and that, my dear, has been your greatest gift to me. Showing me the way back to the tribe of friendship.
I went a different route for awhile, but I think in gathering those other women around me I was going for something different. Instead of being authentic I tried to duplicate what we shared between us and didn't let those friendships, if that's what they could be labeled, stand on their own four feet. They couldn't stand the realities of my life, so they imploded, instead. A sure sign if there ever was one that they couldn't stand up to the friendship test. Friends hang tough, never falter. See you through to the end, regardless of your faults and stupidities and failures.
But now, with different standards and priorities I am making friends again. Reestablishing old ones, making new ones. Engaging them, making supper, sharing my life and my house and my heart. A good thing all the way around.
My colleague at work, god bless her, straightened me out over a year ago. Gave me the newspaper slap on the nose, had me called into the office for overreaching my friendship boundaries. See, I tried too hard and found out the hard way that friendship does not come easy, that it comes with borders, comes with some sense of fair play and understanding and respect. Respect for her I had in bunches, but I was hungry to play. In the end I realized that I was playing games, not being playful. World of difference. I learned, too, over the course of the year, that I was truly mad for awhile, that I fell off my spindle and wobbled everywhere wildly. It took a few years but I am settled again, more in focus, understand the ramifications of my behaviour and about the landscape of where I've been.
It feels good to have collaborators back in my life again. My best friends and I have always been collaborators. My Estranged One was one of my finest there for awhile. Z and I were sailors in the trenches together there for a while, to bend a phrase a bit. My buddy and forever friend Uncle Max and I were playmates, drinking buddies and long distance bike riders together. Can't be any of that without a strong sense of fair play and a willingness to bend. To collaborate, to build together, to make things, to slog away with a buddy has been and is ALWAYS the cornerstone of my life. It feels good to understand that once again, to appreciate and exercise that once again. Yes, to be a friend. Nothing more, nothing less, matters more than that.
Friends. Face it, M, when I talked with you on the phone the other day I realized that I'm still your friend, like it or not. Being pals, well, that's another thing entirely. That's what I miss the most, that whole "buddy" thing that that we shared. I think that if you were able to strap on that old friendship hat of yours right now, this very instant, you would admit to that, too.
Always,
Your old pal, WHMB
My colleague at work, god bless her, straightened me out over a year ago. Gave me the newspaper slap on the nose, had me called into the office for overreaching my friendship boundaries. See, I tried too hard and found out the hard way that friendship does not come easy, that it comes with borders, comes with some sense of fair play and understanding and respect. Respect for her I had in bunches, but I was hungry to play. In the end I realized that I was playing games, not being playful. World of difference. I learned, too, over the course of the year, that I was truly mad for awhile, that I fell off my spindle and wobbled everywhere wildly. It took a few years but I am settled again, more in focus, understand the ramifications of my behaviour and about the landscape of where I've been.
It feels good to have collaborators back in my life again. My best friends and I have always been collaborators. My Estranged One was one of my finest there for awhile. Z and I were sailors in the trenches together there for a while, to bend a phrase a bit. My buddy and forever friend Uncle Max and I were playmates, drinking buddies and long distance bike riders together. Can't be any of that without a strong sense of fair play and a willingness to bend. To collaborate, to build together, to make things, to slog away with a buddy has been and is ALWAYS the cornerstone of my life. It feels good to understand that once again, to appreciate and exercise that once again. Yes, to be a friend. Nothing more, nothing less, matters more than that.
Friends. Face it, M, when I talked with you on the phone the other day I realized that I'm still your friend, like it or not. Being pals, well, that's another thing entirely. That's what I miss the most, that whole "buddy" thing that that we shared. I think that if you were able to strap on that old friendship hat of yours right now, this very instant, you would admit to that, too.
Always,
Your old pal, WHMB
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